Hellboy: Please Stop Making Crappy Remakes!

I was hesitant about this movie going in and at first I did not mind it. I loved Ron Pearlman’s Hellboy, he was mouthy, full of angst and did not give a sh**. How could they top that. Then there was David Harbour, of Stranger Things. He has given us a Hellboy who is less sure about his place in the world. His Hellboy doesn’t like killing his own kind. He feels conflicted about the purposes his father has raised him to fulfill. His performance had depth and nuance and I loved it. “So I’m devil’s spawn and a Nazi, Thanks Dad.”

But then every character in this movie except his father and a medium Hellboy once rescued (Alice Monaghan, played by Sasha Lane) either wants Hellboy dead or is actively working to destroy him. The entire movie is a conspiracy against the main character. Hellboy is the destroyer of the world so he must be destroyed, but what about Mils Jovovich’s character Nimue? She spends so much of the movie being assembled that she barely has a part. No one trust him to save them because he is a monster so he has to be the bad guy. Personally, If I was surrounded by such jerks my whole life I might not be inclined to save the world either. I get that they are trying to do a fish out of water, don’t judge a book by it’s cover kind of story. But this one is just not written well.

The main problem with the story is that Hellboy has always been linked to Nazi’s and the occult which this movie has plenty of, but instead of sticking to characters story Andrew Crosby decided to change things up a bit. Hell boy meets Arthurian Legend? While I will be the first to admit I am not a Hellboy comic book reader, I can read comic character synopsis and know enough of the characters history to know the writer this is completely out of left field. What is this BS!!!.

MAJOR SPOILER WHILE I RANT!

Now Hell boy is the great, great grandson and hell-spawn of King Arthur? This was the story they came up with? This was the story the decided to reboot the Hellboy franchise with? Why because the King Arthur legend did so well for Transformers? Or no maybe it was the outstanding success of the Guy Ritchie King Authur: Legend of the Sword from 2017 that inspired them.

Come on? When Merlin came out of his hallow and told hell boy this ridiculousness I outright laughed out loud in the theater. I just could not hold it in. The movie had finally gone too far. I’d had enough of Mila Jovovich sleeping through the movie as Nimue the immortal witch and I finally broke. Now we have Excalibur to top things off and only Hellboy with his Arthurian blood can wield it. Will he use it to save the world or destroy it. I would say watch the movie and find out, but the story is so predictable I am sure you can guess the ending and figure it out yourself. Please do not waste your money or your time. While David Harbour is an excellent Hellboy the script is so bad the movie is not worth watching unless it cost you nothing.

Hellboy: US Release Date 4/12/2019

Director: Niell Marshall

Starring: David Harbour, Ian McShane, Mila Jovovich, Thomas Haden Church, Sasha Lane, and Daniel Dae Kim

Distribution Company: Lionsgate and Millennium Media

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